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To my friends on Twitter and FourSquare, it’s no secret that I’m a karaoke fanatic. I have been good and hooked on it for about a year now, and what started as a fun activity after improv classes at Jet City has snowballed into a welcome addiction. It’s wildly popular up here in Seattle, and seems to be a universal hit with fellow web geeks across the country.

But I have not seen much dialogue on how to partake in this time-honored bar sport. How do you make the most of your four minutes of fame?

Break it On Down

A good karaoke performance is a balance of many things: talent, enthusiasm, inebriation, savvy song choice, energy level, planning, improvisation, crowd interaction, and personal delivery, to name a few. There’s a million ways to do it right, and really only a couple ways to blow it.

At the end of the day, we are all looking for a karaoke “win.” Those kickass performances where you slip into another world for three and a half minutes, oblivious to the bar scene around you. You quit looking at the words; you are rocking out solely for you. Suddenly the applause from the crowd yanks you out of that trance-like state, reminding you that you are, in fact, in a bar with friendly strangers.

Oh.

It’s a beautiful thing when it happens. And now, with that American Idol moment out of the way, I present to you: insights I’ve developed in scoring karaoke “wins.”

Love This Bar

First thing’s first: every bar has its niche crowd and atmosphere. The artsy/theatrical group, or country western, or gay bar, or college crowd, etc. You might be a regular in these tribes, or you may be a visitor. Either way, it’s good to consider their preferences: which songs they’ve heard a million times, and which songs are completely foreign to them.

Sizing up the karaoke songbook will be full of hints about this place and the people inside of it. So pick up that musty blue binder and let’s have a look.

I Choose You, Baby

Trust your gut when looking for your karaoke jam. Go with songs that feel right in the songbook; they always come out right on stage. The good ones will jump out at you and seem like an obvious choice.

If intuition isn’t your strong suit, here’s a few guidelines I try to stick to:

Shoot for originality. We’ve all heard Don’t Stop Believin’ and F**k Her Gently a few bajillion times. Anything from Rock Band is becoming forgettable, too. Which overlooked gem can you breathe new life into? Challenge yourself.

Share the love. Empirically, duets kill. Try on (I’ve Had the) Time of My Life.

It’s tough to anticipate, but know that you are susceptible to speed bumps:

• A 45-second introduction is a long time for dancing, drinking, and/or microphone banter.
• Do you actually know all of the words to OutKast’s So Fresh, So Clean? (Should that stop you? :)
• Super-high vocal pitches might pose an issue. Or, it might pose an opportunity.
• You may have been listening to the squeaky-clean radio edit of your song, and not the KJ’s uncensored counterpart. Or vice-versa.

These don’t always make themselves known before just _happening_. Still, be aware that they will trip you up from time to time. This is part of the magic of performing.

Play to the crowd. Are you eyeing a table of cute ladies? Throw down some Usher or Justin Timberlake. Is your crowd predominately college and, well, drunk? Sweet Caroline is sure to please, so beat them to the punch.

But also, spite them. Even the honky-tonkiest country western folks need a breather from hokey Nashville narratives. Try singing R&B songs about erections; that’ll give them something to talk about.

Ultimately my picks are usually a function of my own mood, and the collective bar mood. It’s more of a gut reaction than a decision. I lean toward songs that either add to the bar’s energy, or try pushing it into a fun new direction.

To that end, the best thing a karaoke singer can do is deliver a performance that the audience didn’t know they were itching for.

Go toss your song into the rotation. And while we’re waiting…

Instrumental 16 Measures: a Brief Interlude of Karaoke Etiquette

Be nice to the KJ. He’s busy, so don’t hound him about how soon you’re up to sing. Toss him a few bucks when you put your song in. At the right venues, a tip will bump you up in the song rotation.

Try to be supportive. Even the one-trick pony. Even the drunk girl squad. Even the outrageously bad singers. This is their “Hello, World!” program of sorts. Clap & give a well-timed “whoo!” Friends and new best friends (strangers) are as good as gold in the karaoke arena.

Liquid courage helps get a lot of people up to the karaoke mic. But watch your booze intake before you go all Courtney Love on us.

And while I’m thinking about it, don’t ever make the mistake of—

Crap, they just called your name. I think you’re up, so go kill it!

Time to Kick Out the Jams!

Fear not. Once you’re on stage, the world is your drunken, merry oyster. So go nuts. That’s my way of saying, “dance like no one’s watching” and also, “don’t be afraid of being a complete lunatic.” Turns out, people are into that sort of thing.

Know your tools, too. Do a super high energy song plainly seated from the bar stool. Or grab the mic stand and rock some air guitar. Or hump it. Hell, leave the stage and get the dance party moving. Just watch out for tables.

Get your crowd involved. Point the mic their way if they’re singing along. Start the clap!

Know your song? Experiment with a few creative notes, or throw a joke into the lyrics.

Be aware that the microphone’s proximity to your mouth will vastly change how IN YOUR FACE your voice is.

Have as much fun as you possibly can. Musicals are only interesting because everyone seems to be really enjoying the spontaneous bursts into song and dance. Karaoke’s kind of the same way.

These are just ideas. The only real way to kill it is to commit. Whatever you get up there to do, do it. Focus everything you’ve got on giving everything you’ve got. Inadvertently, you’ll take care of the rest.

The Story Never Ends, It Goes On, and On…

Don’t stop now; you done did it. Once you feel comfortable crooning and slaying your old favorite, you might dip your toes into other avenues of singing antics:

The Mash-Up: Singing another song’s lyrics on top of the karaoke song happening on the screen. Weezer’s got a fine mashup specimen: MGMT’s Kids with Gaga’s Poker Face. Mashup is particularly tough because you have to consciously ignore all the words flashing up on the screen. It’ll confuse the audience at first: heads will twirl to shoot a “wha?” look to their friends. But soon enough, they’ll start bobbing along and pointing at you once it connects. If that Weezer vid and acts like Girl Talk prove anything, it’s that a little cross-pollination can lead to some really interesting results. Try out your own combo.

The Alter-Ego: Becoming somebody completely different on stage. This sincerely awesome spin was revealed to me while taking improv comedy classes, aptly dubbed ‘characteroke.’ Our hilarious male instructor took the stage to howl out a scornful, haunting rendition of Alanis Morisette’s Uninvited. I still have nightmares of that performance, but I spent the entire song was laughing uncontrollably. There is such rich, creative potential in putting completely new twists on old songs. Bold choices and improvisation will be handsomely rewarded.

The Suicide: The ultimate in feats of karaoke strength! Drop in a song you are uncomfortably unfamiliar with, get up there and wing it! You will be pleasantly surprised with the results. Either, audience members will sympathize with your pain and laugh with you, providing generous applause for your risky undertaking. Or, even better, you might get up there and just kill it. Either way, it’s win win. Very fun in group settings, when everyone is picking eachother’s songs for the night.

Can I Get an Encore?

You should also know that there’s even more nerdy karaoke fun to be had these days.

My pals and fellow karaoke fiends Jeff and Scott just launched Bar Star last week. It’s a fun way to log your karaoke performances, and get reviews and comments from your friends. Also, track how you stack up against the people’s champ of karaoke. Current numbers tell me that I am 14% as awesome as Jeff is. The bastard. Let’s oust him, people.

And don’t forget to mark your calendars for Cog’aoke! at SXSW Interactive 2010, put on by the talented folks at Happy Cog. Web designers + karaoke + ???? = profit! I will be vying for a sliver of karaoke immortality, and you should, too.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

There are no rules except to enjoy yourself in the process. Find what works for you, and do that a bunch more times.

So I am interested to hear, what works for you? Leave your favorite jams and your own tips in the comments.